Two forces drove me to change my life.
The first came in response to a sense that I had done it all as an HR executive. There were no surprises, only the tedium of repetition. Fortunately, I had spent the last ten years enjoying a corporate environment which allowed me to be myself, with little self censure or pretense. In spite of that, I couldn’t face another year.
I decided to quit my job.
Once I made the decision to quit, the second force confronted me. I had the nagging feeling one has when a favor requires repayment, to eliminate the obligation from hanging over one’s head eternally. I had to address it.
I owed God. I needed to repay him by telling the story of what he had done for me with the miraculous adoption of my son. The obligation kept me awake at night and floated into my consciousness during times of solitude. I had to find a way to tell others.
I had tried before and each time the story fell flat, sounded dull, and contained none of my emotional experience. It required me to be honest and to share the entire story, not only how God miraculously answered my prayer, but how he also allowed grief and disappointments to accompany it.
It became abundantly clear to me that as long as the book remained in my head I would never move forward with my life. 7 weeks after leaving my job, I attended a weekend workshop. I took the pre-work very seriously, reading everything and completing all of the writing exercises as if I were going to compete in an athletic event.
At the retreat, I began writing Thursday evening and averaged 850 words every 15 minutes. By Saturday afternoon, I completed the guts of my book. Not at all the book I thought I would produce. Through the process of writing this painful story, another story emerged, allowing me to gain perspective into my own existence and God’s plan for my life.
The process did release me from my obligation, I had paid God back, but mistakenly I assumed that writing the story would be the denouement. Instead, the book’s completion led to a six-month process of editing and research that also allowed me to complete my first novel along the way.
Not the endgame I imagined at all, but instead God provided me with a pathway for my future, just waiting for me to step out. SDG